This trip is to reconnect with America on many fronts... I want to reconnect with friends, reconnect with places, and reconnect with American culture. When I arrived home from Morocco fresh off the boat (yes, I took a boat home- a cruise ship with 20 other returning Peace Corps Volunteers), I was feeling very culture shocked. I spent 2 years trying to become accustomed to the language and culture of a place completely foreign to me. The last half year, I felt well-adjusted and comfortable. Then came my time to come home and in some ways, the US felt almost as foreign to me as Morocco did when I first arrived.
There were positive aspects to this. Driving again was such a joy! Yes, they have many cars in Morocco, but as Peace Corps volunteers, we weren't allowed to drive. In November, I got stuck in traffic for about two hours on my way up to New Hampshire to see some friends. I just sat there listening to music and felt really happy. I started driving a whole lot slower and any road rage that I used to get in traffic was completely gone. A friend of mine observed how fast Americans drive. I noticed the same.
I began appreciating everything about my life here so much more. I was excited to find old clothes that I had left behind. I had forgotten about everything and felt like it was all new all over again.
The grocery store was amazing and frustrating at the same time. Amazing because I could find nearly everything I could ever need in one place. If I couldn't find whatever it was, I'm sure I could locate it 5 minutes down the street at the other grocery store. I could plan a dish and then buy the supplies instead of seeing what I could find and then deciding what to do. The grocery experience was also frustrating because I would get stuck in there for hours looking at products. When you can choose from 5 different bottle openers, how do you decide which one you want? I used to just know intuitively by quality and price balance, but now I find it confusing.
This kind of confusion over too much selection causes me frustration not only at the grocery store, but doing any kind of shopping. I just don't know what I like anymore. I used to go into a store and look at a line of 20 pairs of similar shoes. I would know just by whatever defined my taste which pair I wanted to purchase. I can't do that anymore. When I was in Europe during our Transatlantic Cruise (Norwegian Cruise Lines- pretty fun, one giant sales pitch), I stopped in a shoe store to look at black boots. I was overwhelmed by the 10 pairs on display, and I left with nothing. Actually, this confusion does have one benefit- I haven't been spending.
Another thing... I've always been a very social person- an extrovert. I get my energy from people usually. But I just can't seem to get myself out of the house to see people. It saps my energy. I have to explain that I'm home for a few months, waiting on college applications, haven't gotten accepted anywhere yet, I loved Morocco but I'm happy to be home. I tell the same story over and over again. I know people just want to know what I'm doing, and it's because they care about me. It makes me feel guilty and sad that I don't want to run out and see everyone, but I think every time I start explaining my life at this point, my anxiety jumps through the roof. This is such an "up-in-the-air" time for me right now. I'll feel so much better once I know where I'm going for sure and can explain to people that I'm not back living with my parents at the age of 28 indefinitely.
So, you see, I've been having a little trouble adjusting. I think this road trip is EXACTLY what I need right now. I'll have a chance to reconnect with family and friends, see my brother's place out in California, and take my mind off the ever present anxiety about my future. I've been working hard on keeping my outlook positive. I have high hopes that this journey will be the right start to this new life chapter I'm about to begin. Wish me luck. I'll let you know how it goes.
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